I will make a cake for anyone who can prove they did this.
Microwave vs. The Oven
Oral to Penetration
Today in class some friends called me over with "You'll like this conversation." The discussion was about how he never wants blow jobs because he much prefers fucking. I was once given this analogy: Microwave vs. the Oven. Sometimes you want a pizza pocket, sometimes you want a steaming baked pizza. I suggested that perhaps his girlfriend isn't very good at them.
When I was a fledgling dyke, I tried a few times to go down on my first girlfriend. She never let me practice because she said i went down like a boy. She meant this as an insult. Getting no positive feedback, I lost interest. This meant that our sex life was limited to finger fucking. Which became a mastered art of ours, but left me wanting more.
Eventually I was able to coax her into letting a strap on enter the bedroom. Nothing like the real thing, and doesn't even vibrate but does allow for a power trip. After a very long time She was finally open to the idea of trying out my favourite vibrator. That night she came about 7 times.
I
told
you
so
I had showed up on our second date with it in my purse and announced "now we can actually have sex." She laughed, and said we already had. Apparently mutual masturbation passes for sex with some lesbians. I don't mean to sound bitter. Sex is what you make it.
This reminds me that I mean to give out awards to my partners.
Best at @#$%! in Bed Awards
Everyone is good at something.
It's true. While one person may rock your clit, another might be great at massages.
Award for both viginities.
Also for DP with a vibe
My first boyfriend was the only one I've ever trusted enough to really explore anal with. Oddly that only happened after we broke up and had to stick together till the end of the apartment lease. At that point we had very little to lose, so why not. The abandon we finally found with each other was almost enough to stick around for. Almost. But after 5 years of monogamy and heterosexuality, I was ready to grow.
Award for nonconsensual non-monogamy fail
Is it cheating is you're not technically dating either of them?
There was a short amount of time where I was still seeing my ex, while I was dating a new female lover. Though they never met, they both felt threatened by the other. Not long after I moved out he and I stopped seeing each other. I admitted that would continue to keep loving him, but I needed to explore the world as a free woman.
It was too difficult for him to maintain relations with me once I wasn't just his. And we stopped seeing each other. There have been a few times over the last year or so that we've hooked up. Mostly we had very little to say to each other and hoped that sex would loosen the tension.
I began to suspect he wasn't doing much to move on, and I was only providing incentive. I have not seen him for many months, and if I were to, I would not be the same person who once loved him.
Award for best clit fingering
Also for prettiest O face
My first girlfriend gave me my favourite kind of orgasms. Manual stimulation of the clit with her fingers. Also she liked to have others play with us. I took to that like a duck to water. She and I tried some light s/M. I loved dominating her at first.
This became emotionally draining and I found she became too reliant on me in other aspects of our relationship. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with someone so emotionally dependent on me. Also gets the award for lovliest orgasm face, she looked like the Madonna by Edvard Munch. Almost sacrilegious in her surrender. Dark, beautiful and unstable.
The painting is said to capture abandonment to ecstasy. The border some copies have is swimming with sperm, racing towards a fetus. This is a painting of the moment of orgasm, and conception. Having been dubbed the Madonna (holy mother) this image is blasphemy.
Award for mastering the female ejaculation
Also for best drag show
My second boyfriend found my G spot. He would go down on me and pound my Gspot for as long as I wanted. What a trooper. He was the first to get me to squirt. Remember to bring a towel. He was into gender play, and would dress as a woman sometimes. I loved doing his make up and dressing him up.
It wasn't a sexual turn on for me as much as it was for him. Though I liked mushing his moobs into a bra. Pretty boys with boobs and lace combine the best of both worlds. He was also submissive, and in the end also too emotionally dependent for my taste.
There was a brief period between my first girlfriend and second boyfriend where I was dating the two of them. They were okay with this at first, but jealousy, insecurity and neediness tore them up. Before the collapse of both relationships there were some mind blowing threesomes. Valentines day was perfect. I skated down the canal each holding my hand.
Award for first consensual polyamory fail.
Don't believe monogamous people when they say they'll accept you for who you are
As time passed, I was unable to cope with two tumultuous relationships. I found that my girlfriend was increasingly manipulative and needy. While my boyfriend quietly assumed second place on my list of priorities. There came a point where I realized that I was being unfair to him, and also to myself. So I put myself at the top of the list and tried to downgrade my relationship with her to fuck buddy status. This was disastrous. I always make this mistake with my exes.
But maybe the mistake is in committing to a relationship in the first place. Don't assume this means I'm jaded. I will always hope to love this easily. I've just realized that the friendship ought to be paramount. A relationship implies different expectations. And more often then not monogamy or hierarchal status. Those are both systems of control. Lovers do not need status, they are all different and feelings for one ought not affect feelings for another.
Award for making me doubt my bisexuality
If you only date women and men who identify as women are you bisexual or gay?
Since then I kept a semi successful fuck buddy relationship with the second boyfriend. It was comfortable and convenient. I'I entertained myself with short lived lesbian flings. When he announced he'd be transitioning into a woman, I began to doubt my bisexuality. My few boring flings with men were marked by a distinct lack of sexual zest. Men were far too easy to rope in, and because they provided no challenge I started telling them I was a lesbian. It was easier to deflect their attentions by claiming to be gay. I even started dressing a little more butch. plaid shirts, boots. A bowler hat. I still make a habit of showing how hairy my legs were to shoo them away.
Award for worst one night stand
Yargh, you can call me the Captain.
Last St.Patricks day I went home with a classy looking man from the irish pub. He was at that time the oldest person I'd slept with. I'd guess 26. He was actually Irish, but he wasn't actually named Brian. As he informed me later, while I was consoling him while he cried. During sex. Because he was doing it to get back at his girlfriend. "It's okay Brian" "I'm not Brian" " Who are you then?" "You can call me the Captain. Shall we continue?" " You suck Captain."
I slept on his couch until the busses started to run again at 6am, and I bolted, leaving behind my health card by accident. Well, I guess he knows I was honest about my name. I was tempted to leave some red hair wrapped around his girlfriend straightening iron.
That's not the Captain. The picture is unrelated. It's just some guy I harassed at Sexapalooza. He had no idea I was going to do this either, I caught him checking me out so I threw him in a counter and whooped him.
Award for best one night stand
Also for best use of rubber ducks
I had one successful one night stand with a man. And I met him, in all places, in Toronto the week of the Pride parade. He was demoing vibrating rubber ducks in a sex shop. I got a massage and his number.
For a man who works at a sex shop I was disappointed by the utter lack of toys. But he made up for it with a shocking display of energy. He jumped at the chance to dominate me when I mentioned my interest. He spanked my ass as hard as I wished and pulled my hair. When he drilled me from behind and pushed my face into the pillows I was laughing pretty hard. The endorphins from being spanked give me the giggles. He called me filthy names, which excited me. I was shocked when he smacked my face. At first I just stared at him. It was a light slap, but it left me flabbergasted. He immediately apologized, and offered to stop.
No, do it again. What a feeling. I didn't let him go to hard or too often. Just a few smacks interspersed to grab my attention. Did it ever. I went wild in a way I hadn't been able to with my previous partners. Despite his best efforts I wasn't relaxed enough to get off with him.
He was sweet, and paid for my taxi since I insisted on getting back to my ex girlfriend. We still keep in contact. I'd like to see him again. When I got back to where we were staying she was afire with jealousy. She passionately finished me off to remind me of why I like women. I still have the sticker posted in my room that says "I just got Ducked."
Award for funniest breakup (when we weren't dating)
Also for dancing so well I ‘forgot’ to notice how dumb she was
I started spending time with this pretty little thing that sucked on my face for hours at the gay dance club. I should've known when I was fucking her in the bathroom stall that it wouldn't lead to conversation as stimulating. She and I had a fling that lasted a few weeks. I loved her reckless energy, unfortunately she wasn't very clever. And she was too eager to find acceptance. She kept buying me gifts, which admittedly where very thoughtful and sweet. When I tried to make it clear that I we weren't dating her eyes would glaze over. With a sigh I thanked her for her gift of antique pins. "You really know my style. You have impeccable taste."
Here it comes, this is what she said that made me dump her on the spot.
"Yeah, I'm really observative that way."
Pause.
And she didn't even notice what she'd said wrong.
"They're very nice, but I don't give my friends these kinds of gifts."
Pause.
She didn't clue in.
I broke it down for her on the street corner. She didn't cry. I think she put it together later.
Award for most awkward breakup (when we weren't dating).
Also for softest skin
We looked somewhat similar, and we shared our first name. I've since put a moratorium on dating women who either look like me or have my name. There was no major disaster or success in our story. She wasn't boring or dull, too immature, or too stupid. She was clever, ambitious, independent, supportive, fun, and artsy. Too much like me to date.
Though I wouldn't mind hooking up again if it was spontaneous. But I will never make plans with her,and that probably why I ended it. I decided this as she was cumming in my mouth. I took a few minutes to draw her sprawled on the best satiated. We both knew what it meant when we looked at the finished piece and it was lack luster. Then tried to leave gracefully. No such luck.
Through our combined idiocy we ended up in the lobby of her building locked out of her apartment, and I was the only one wearing pants. Being of similar size and shape I gave her my pants while I hid under the stairs beside a moose head mounted on a plaque that had been taken down.
During the time she tried to get a hold of her landlord, I contemplated throwing the hideous decor through her front window to let her in and making a pants-less escape. Instead I waited for her. Standing half naked in her front yard I boosted her through her front window. After changing into my clothes I left awkwardly only to return a few minutes later to ask her to lend me bus tickets.
Picture unrelated. This is from Sexapalooza. I like being pants-less in public.
Award for furthest cum shot
I am 5"2 and lying on the bed, while he stood at the edge. He pulled out of my mouth and came down the length of my body. ALL OF IT. That was some serious propulsion. Next time I'm going to see if he can hit the ceiling. I want a slow motion capture camera to catch the mad hang time. I'm talking about Efram here, he warned me ahead of time. Though he said 5 meters. So obviously I called him out on it. But I was impressed nonetheless.
Currently Efram is the winner of the Award for best fuck ever.
Though that's a title he'll have to defend rigorously.
